While sitting in my living room one Tuesday night the clock struck 11pm, and naturally I was still heads down working on my website and listening to a random playlist when pony comes on. Oh you know the song, the one where Channing Tatum thrusts with a drill on a perfectly worn industrial work table? I’m getting flustered just thinking about it. So I do the only natural thing I could do in that moment, and grind along with the song while continuing to work.
Starting to feel a little tipsy from my after dinner whiskey and a bit turned on, I ran upstairs and got my vibrator. Still needing to get work done….I slid it in my pants, positioned it ever so perfectly, turned it on the “I want to feel good but also want it to last a bit” setting and focused myself back at my computer.
Still listening to pony, on repeat, because why not, I started typing out business plans. A sensation had started to build but not where I expected. Downstairs was doing just fine but i was feeling my heart beat faster, a smirk had come across my face and so many new business ideas were flooding my mind.
I kept running back and forth wandering “Am I literally this in my head that I can’t even masturbate without the main event being work? Or am I a bad business owner when most of my amazing ideas come from when my clit is being pleasured? I know it’s not the first because I always reach climax when it’s just me and my vibrator so surely that means it’s the latter and I shouldn’t be running a business.
After throwing myself into an almost endless overthinking and anxiety loop, the words “that can’t be it” finally found the surface. There had to be more to the combination of business and pleasure. What was it about using my vibrator while I worked that made me feel so empowered? Far more than either could do on their own.
Was it the contradictory combo? Was it the fact that that’s not something people share much about doing? Or was I just tipsy and wouldn’t even think twice about this the next morning? I wasn’t sure so I allowed myself to continue to test the waters to try and figure it out.
In all honesty, this took a lot of trial and error. Trying to figure out what the mystery I was experiencing was felt like a puzzle…..and I am terrible at puzzles. I wanted to figure out why I felt most empowered in that moment. I had nothing but time thanks to Covid so I allowed myself moments to explore it: just me, my vulnerabilities, my trusty vibe “skai” and the dark. Most of these intimate moments turned out to be spent learning to not cringe at my fat, allowing myself to really feel my stretch marks, and acknowledging my cellulite. In return, I learned over time to appreciate all that this current body of mine has gotten me through. How strong it is. How much it has done. How it has protected me. And supported me. I also learned to call it my body and strike through that word “current” as if my body needed to change in order to deserve love.
Eventually, my experiences when pleasuring myself turned out to be nothing less than powerful, enriching, exploratory, and learning more about myself than I ever could, doing a self care calendar that i found on pinterest. I started scheduling sensual me time. Actually putting it on the calendar like one would a date. Allowing myself to have time with just my body. To explore it and to become one with my skin and all that it has to offer. I started to view what I saw as my flaws as trophies from different seasons. And finally, I started to feel love for myself for the very first time in years. Just a little bit, but it was there. And it grows every day.
To me, the connection between vibrators and business, really doesn’t have anything to do with business….but rather has everything to do with power. Learning to tap into your power and feel capable of anything. Not being afraid to explore your deepest desires and finally allowing yourself to be one with your body. All I know is that practicing this unleashed an unruly power in me. And for me, the journey all began with a trusty hot pink vibrator, some AA batteries and a magic mike playlist.
Maybe you don’t need to go out and buy a cute g-spot vibrator. Maybe you don’t need to use it while you work. Maybe you don’t need to masturbate at all. Maybe your version is wearing lingerie under your clothes, a fact just for you to know. Maybe it’s having a mimosa in your coffee mug during a meeting. Maybe it’s nursing that sweet baby of yours. Maybe it’s putting on a playlist and dancing in your kitchen or one of the thousands of other options out there!
Whatever it may be, I do encourage you to find a way that makes sense for you to tap into your inner power. Experiment, test things out, try all the things you’ve always wanted to, do the things you’re scared of, break the rules every now and again, rebel against the norm, and unleash holy hell on anyone who tries to stop you. Be great, Be powerful. Be you. And in the words of Shania Twain, “Man! I feel like a woman!”
Thank you for reading my late night thoughts from my journal. Stay tuned to see what page I’m tearing out next.